I'm not writing this post for anyone, for helpful responses, for sympathy, for judgement, or to even really publish. If you see it great, if you didn't know it existed that great too. I'm not writing this to draw attention. I am merely writing it so I can get it out of my head before it consumes me whole.
I discovered I had depression after I had McKenna postpartum if you will. However I believe I had it long before then but I didn't notice it. I can be ill-tempered, hot headed, grouchy, and to be honest a bully. I am not the person I used to be, I used to be the life of the party.... I want to see and be seen. I loved hanging out with people and doing things. I can't remember the last time I really enjoyed those things. Recently, I have become a hermit, I HATE large groups, I HATE being in public places, I HATE being a part of social gatherings, and I HATE small talk. None of these activities used to bother me but they do now. I would much rather stay home with my kids and not even leave the house. I don't get out of my pajamas most days, do my hair or do my makeup. Lizzi gets dressed because she wants to, but I don't do her hair either. McKenna stays in Pajamas with me more days than not. I tried for about a week to get dressed first thing in the morning, it didn't change anything.
I got on antidepressants about 6 weeks after McKenna was born and I have been on them since. There are some days that are really good, I get the whole house cleaned, girls are happy and we all play, I spend time on my ranch with my animals. I don't mind if Curt wants to go do something as a family and we have to leave the house. These are the days I love but they are so few and far between now that I forget what the good days are like.
There are some days I forget to take them and that makes life a living hell and it takes days (of remembering my pills) to come back from it. There are days that if I didn't have the ranch and my girls I would stay in bed all day. Phone off. Covers over my head. Hiding from the world. I don't have that option I have too many lives that depend on me. But I get bitter and angry and I am sluggish and the worlds worst mom and wife on those days. It is takes all I have to get out of bed on those days and do the bare minimum required. I feed all my animals, I make sure my girls are fed and have clean diapers, and I sit on the floor with Lizzi. We don't do anything particularly exciting or fun I just give her attention when she asks for it and sit and stare when she is happily playing on her own. I am very short tempered on those days and I hate myself for it. I yell more than I would like to. I don't have any patience and it makes me even more mad. When the girls finally nap, instead of being productive like I do when I have my good days, I sit on the couch and have a pity party. I physically ache, I'm exhausted, and I just want to break down and cry but I can't. I tell myself to nap while they do then we will have a better afternoon. I don't nap, I can't nap. I'm too busy thinking, thinking about what a terrible mom I am, thinking about how I need to feed my kids better, thinking about the emotional scaring I am causing for my girls, thinking about how I need to be a better wife. I can't shut off all the negativity. Yes I am aware it is Satan but it doesn't make it go away or make me feel more confident.
Lizzi is so smart that I feel like I am causing her to decline in her development because I feel like I am not doing what I need to for her growth because those bad days make it so hard to function. I feel like McKenna won't ever be as smart as Lizzi because she is stuck with me all the time and I don't do enough with her either because Lizzi needs my attention also. I feel like she won't hit the milestones like Lizzi did and that she isn't learning anything being with me. I feel like I am a neglectful mother and that I don't provide what they need. I start thinking about what their lives would be like without me and if they had a different mother how much better their lives would be. How much better Curtis could be cared for by a different wife. He could have the wife that he needs and deserves. She would keep the house clean always for him, make sure there were healthy home cooked meals, make sure the kids were healthy, happy, and developmentally on track. She would love him always and be slow to anger, let him know that he is important to her and she supports him in everything. She isn't selfish and asks that he spend time with her or that he can't do the things he wants to do because she is selfish and just wants to cuddle with him on the couch and talk. She doesn't always ask for reassurance of his love because she trusts him and knows he loves her by his actions. I have been burned so much in the past that I always question if he loves me. It is because of these thoughts I think that I don't make him happy how could he possibly love someone so horrible? He must be looking for someone to replace me because why would he take this? He must want someone who is better than me. I am not worthy of being his wife and mother to his children. I just think about how they don't need me regardless of how I have made them my whole life. I leave myself until last always because I don't have time to care for me. I am needed 24/7 in so many different ways, a wife, a mother, a caregiver, pack leader to my dogs, and midwife to my goats. I don't know who I am anymore. Who is Aerika? If I were ever to take time for myself I don't know how to do that. I don't know what I like to do and I just worry about my kids the whole time anyway.
I hate myself physically, I am overweight (Thanks baby weight), I have the worst stretch marks ever, my face looks old, my butt is flat, I'm out of shape, I lost any flexibility I had, my left eye is squinty compared to my right eye, I have terrible hair, and my teeth are yellow. I am not the young girl Curtis first fell in love with and he can't possibly still love me now. Everything about me has changed, I'm ugly. The other problem with it is I can't seem to find the motivation to fix it. I could do yoga or work out or you know TRY to change things but I don't. I don't have time, my 24 hours a day are already full and I come last. So I sit and I mope and I hate myself everyday because I am not the young, slender, put together girl that Curtis married. I am the frumpy mom that everyone talks about behind her back because she looks awful and her kids eat processed food and she can't possibly care about herself because she doesn't take care of herself. Her husband must be getting some on the side because why would he want to make love to THAT? I'm the mom the dumb kids make yo mama jokes about. On top of that I have a bad habit of not eating, not like anorexia or anything like that. I just make sure my babies and my animals are fed so I have to wait, I can wait. I don't eat breakfast until almost noon and then I don't eat lunch and don't eat dinner until 9 or 10 and by then it's usually a bowl of cereal. Which doesn't help with my weight problem I know, food just isn't important in my daily function, I can go on without it.
Who said I could become a mom anyway? Who qualified me for that position? They must have goofed up because I am not qualified to be a mom, I'm barely qualified to be a me!
There are days that I just want time to stop completely so I can have absolutely no cares or worries and I can get myself together and then time can move on. I know that will never happen but that is the only way that I feel like I can get anywhere. I feel like I'm running in a hamster wheel I'm going as fast as my fat self can go but I am getting no where.
I hate seeing religious people, I am LDS myself but I feel like I shouldn't be. I don't know scriptures well enough, I used my agency for stupid things when I was a teen, and I don't know enough to feel like I can participate in discussions or lessons because I know nothing. I hate seeing spiritual people because they seem to have it all together and they are all so happy and everything is perfect and if you just pray and read your scriptures then everything is hunky dory. I don't work that way and I have a hard time seeing things working that way.
I feel black inside, I feel numb. I can hold Curt's hand or hug him or kiss and him and I can feel nothing. I know deep down I love him more than anything. My heart feels like it is being torn in two when I tell myself he needs someone else to be married too. He is my eternal companion(if I can get my act together), and I am a jealous, selfish, witch and I don't share well. I want to feel alive, feel a spark, feel the butterflies again like when we were newly in love, I want to feel like I have purpose like I am needed and I make a difference. Like I am all that I can be and my kids love me and my husband needs me.
The blackness is eating me... I feel like I'm drowning and there is no way to get to the surface. Like I said I am not writing this for attention, for sympathy, for helpful responses, or even really for anyone to care. I get my feelings out by typing them or writing them down so I can get them out of my head for a little while. It helps the darkness seem a little less deafening.
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